


And the Night Stretched On

by ifonlyiwaswittier



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Armin Arlert-centric, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 15:24:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11016204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifonlyiwaswittier/pseuds/ifonlyiwaswittier
Summary: The second night Armin wakes the whole squad up with his screams.





	And the Night Stretched On

_ The first night _   Mikasa begins to worry when Armin doesn’t come inside after dinner. She finds him close by, behind barn they’re staying in, sitting with his knees pulled to his chest. The sound of ragged breathing reaches Mikasa’s ears even before she rounds the corner.

“Armin?” She calls out.

No response. Instead she rounds the corner to find Armin with his head between his knees, clearly hyperventilating. She rushes over to Armin, crouching down next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. His lips are moving but he’s muttering too quietly to hear. Mikasa leans in.

“I’m gonna die.” Armin is whispering almost trancelike, shaking his head. “I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.” Mikasa reflexively jerks back, surprised by Armin’s distress.

“Armin. You need to calm down,” Mikasa orders. The blond draws in a stuttering breath. Then a slightly stronger one. And then a full breath.

“I-I’m sorry.” Armin mumbles, lifting his head from between his knees, “I thought I was okay after talking to Levi but I started washing the dishes and… this happened.” He makes an effort to wipe away his tears with the back of his hands. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Don’t apologize, Armin” Mikasa says but it isn’t a command. Telling Armin to not apologize had lost its heat and become something almost fond over the years. Armin stood, dusting himself off, and offering Mikasa a hand. Armin doesn’t say another word, leading the way inside and back to washing dishes.

 

_ The second night _ Armin wakes the whole squad up with his screams.

“Please… No! Mikasa! Eren!” Armin calls into the darkness. In an instant the tense squad is on high alert, lamps lit, hands already reaching for their gear, before they discern the source of the disturbance. Armin thrashes again in his sleep, not realizing the commotion he’s causing.

Mikasa is by Armin’s side in a second, lifting the unsettled boy into a sitting position leaning him against her. “Armin, wake up, it’s just a dream," she says, shaking his shoulder gently. When Armin continues to flail, Mikasa shakes him harder and shouts “Armin, wake up!”

Armin’s eyes snap open and rove around the room, taking in the scene. The rest of the squad, including Connie who came rushing in from his guard post, is frozen in various states of  distress.

“Oh- oh god.” Armin mumbles. “I’m- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble- I-” The boy began to shake even harder, eyes filling with tears. “I’m so sorry to wake everyone, please go back to sleep now.” Nobody moves. “Please- please go back to sleep.”

It’s when Sasha asks, “Armin, are you okay?” that the blond begins to cry in earnest. He turns his face into Mikasa’s shoulder, body heaving with heavy, ugly sobs that rock the both of them. “Please go back to sleep,” Armin cries once or twice. But otherwise, his violent crying, and the rest of the room, is silent besides Mikasa softly whispering “I’m right here. You’re not alone,” over and over until Armin’s breathing evens out into something resembling sleep.

 

_ The third night _ Armin doesn’t sleep at all.

 

_ The fourth night _ Armin is quiet, silent even. Mikasa has never seen Armin like this before. Sure, Mikasa has seen him quiet before, lost in thought or sad. But this is a different kind of quiet. She watches as he eats too quickly, his hands shaking. He only speaks when spoken too and even then his responses are sharp, almost insulting. 

Realization slowly dawns on her. Armin is angry, seething even.

She watches silently as he leaves the room and doesn’t move when she hears something that sounds suspiciously like someone punching a wall. Sasha isn’t the only one who knows when it's too dangerous to approach a wild animal.

 

_ The fifth night _ Armin gets up silently in the middle of the night and goes outside. Mikasa finds Armin lying on his back a few yards away from the rest of the group. It isn’t until she’s very close that she hears Armin humming. 

The tune is instantly recognizable to Mikasa. It’s the lullabye Carla used to sing them until they were way too old and Eren snapped at her to stop, even though, secretly, none of them wanted that part of their childhood to end.

Mikasa lies down on her back next to Armin. She slowly laces her fingers with Armin’s and suddenly the boy stops humming. In the moonlight, Mikasa thinks she sees tears welling up in his big blue eyes. The silence is almost overwhelming and Mikasa swears she can hear a few tears hit the grass below them.

Sweet and soft, if slightly off key, Mikasa begins to sing. After a moment,  Armin’s voice rises alongside Mikasa’s, rough with tears. Together, they haltingly make their way through the old tune, the words like worn leather, fingers laced together. When they reach the end, they fall into silence again, finding solace in each other’s company.

“I miss… something.” Armin whispers eventually.

Mikasa rolls over onto her side, never letting go on Armin’s hand though. “It’s okay if you still miss Carla. I do too sometimes.”

“No,” Armin says, shaking his head, eyes still firmly glued to the ceiling of clouds above. “I know what it feels like to miss Mrs. Jaeger. This feels different.”

“Do you miss Eren?” Mikasa asks.

“Of course I do. But this isn’t about that either. I miss something but I don’t know what.”

Unsure of what to say, Mikasa rolls back onto her back and squeezes Armin’s hand. She pretends to not notice the way Armin’s whole body is shaking with tears.

 

_ The last night _   Eren is back and he didn’t expect to spend it on some wild goose chase for Armin.

“Mikasa. Mikasa, wait up!” Eren called to the shadowy figure up ahead.

“Come on, Eren, keep up. Armin needs us!” Mikasa stage whispered back. Eren’s confusion crested.

“Mikasa,” No response. “Why can’t we tell Levi?” No response. Now side by side, running with Mikasa, he felt his frustration reach its peak. “Mikasa!” he shouted. Grabbing her shoulder. “What’s wrong with Armin?”

Mikasa stopped, something Eren couldn’t identify passing across her features. “Armin would want to tell you himself, if he wants to tell you at all. Just please, we have to find him.”

When they find Armin, it turns out he wasn’t really hiding at all.

“Armin!” Eren calls out, running towards the figure curled up by the stream, a small blonde head poking out from the dark mass of cape. Eren thinks maybe it flinched.

“Eren,” Mikasa whispers. It’s enough to stop him in his tracks. “Let me talk to him first.” Eren can’t help but wonder what has happened between the two of them while he was gone. Where have they gone that Eren can’t follow?

He watches silently as a Mikasa approaches Armin, the smaller boy’s hair almost reflective in the moonlight. He watches silently as Mikasa leans in close, hand on Armin’s shoulder, as she whispers something to Armin that makes him unfurl a bit. And Eren remembers the time his mom took him and Armin and Mikasa to a field of flowers and tucked a flower behind Mikasa’s ear then Eren’s ear and lastly Armin’s and how Armin’s face lit up, smile like the sun, and how even as a child he knew his friend was radiant and to see something snuff that out, the thought makes his fists clench and his-

Mikasa waves to Eren, summoning him. As he approaches Mikasa retreats, gently brushing him on her way by. Eren thinks of something Sasha said about taming wild animals and then he is standing next to his best and closest friend.

“Armin-” Eren begins.

“Please sit down.” Armin interrupts.

“What?”

“I said please sit down,” he repeats. “You’ll- you’ll be more comfortable and it’s hard to talk to you when you’re towering over me like that.”

Eren dutifully sits down, legs splayed in a complete counterpoint to the way Armin had his knees up to his chest.

“Armin-” Eren begins again.

“Let’s just watch the water for a while, okay?” The way Armin asks, it seems more like pleading so how could Eren say no.

They sit for a while, only the sounds of the trees rustling in the wind, the sounds of the creek, breaking the silence. Right when Eren is starting to get bored and sore, Armin says,

“All streams lead back to the ocean, right?”

Eren can’t help but smile even though he’s a bit confused. Armin read that out loud to him years ago and it had never come up again but Eren had never forgotten.

“Yeah,” Eren says, “That’s what your book says, at least.”

Armin sighs and then mumbles, “I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Huh?”

“I said ‘I didn’t want to tell you’” Armin repeats.

“Tell me what?” The confusion is clear in Eren’s voice.

“I should have figured that you’d find out anyway. It really shouldn’t even be that big of a deal.”

“Armin. Tell me what?” Eren asks again, firm this time. THere is 

“I killed someone, Eren.” Armin blurts out. In the stunned silence that follows all Eren can here is the smaller boy’s labored breathing. After a while he says more faintly, “I killed someone to save Jean.”

Eren was shocked. Armin? Killing someone? Armin took Eren’s stunned silence as rejection because, after a long, tense pause, his face crumbled as he burst into tears.

“But- but- you didn’t kill someone, Armin,” trying to quickly backtrack to repair the damage, “That can’t be true!”

Armin shakes his head tiredly, still hiccupping with tears. “Someone was going to shoot Jean so I shot them first.”

Eren sat dumbfounded, stunned into silence, as Armin buried his head in his hands and weeped. Eren thought everything used to be so simple by comparison. He could at least try to fight whatever was making Armin cry. But this time he didn’t have a chance. Instead he put his arm around Armin’s shoulder, pulling the other boy in close.

“‘A person who cannot sacrifice everything, cannot change anything’,” Eren began. “‘To defeat a monster, you must be willing to throw aside your humanity and all that makes you human.’ So… Welcome to the club.”

Armin looked back at Eren with wide eyes. “What?”

“It’s something you said once. You never said it was about me but,” Eren shrugged. “So, now that you’ve given up your humanity too, welcome to the club.”

Armin looked at Eren, stunned and Eren for a moment was concerned that he had offended Armin. But instead Armin smiled.

“At least I’m in good company,” he said, bumping Eren’s shoulder with his own. A smile formed on Eren’s lips.

“Come on, let’s head to bed.” Eren said, standing and offering Armin a hand.

 

_ The last night _ Armin doesn't sleep soundly. He wonders if it's those who've given up their humanity can ever sleep soundly again.


End file.
